You know the story—well, not just this story, but all the stories that ended with "and they lived happily ever after." Everybody believes that was the end. But I’ll tell you, little girls, they don’t end there, and they shouldn’t end there. Going by the stories, you’d think our whole purpose in life is to meet and marry Prince Charming. Well, that’s what I almost did. So, before you make the same mistake, listen to my tale.
It started strangely enough. I opened my eyes, not sure where I was or how I’d gotten there. I was just there. Something was different, but I couldn’t tell what it was at first. The grass was still green. The trees were still tall… trees!
My last memory was a room in my castle. I’d gone up to… oh, I don’t remember. But I do remember threading a needle and pricking my finger. I stared at the blood. Then I was here.
I reached out to touch the grass and was astonished to find I was inside a glass box. It was the size of a coffin. I had to get out of there. But before I could rise, a voice drifted out of the woods.
"My beauty, are you sleeping?"
I had hardly wiped the sleep from my eyes when he swept me up on that barrel-chested white steed. It was gorgeous. And so was he. I cringe just remembering how I’d swooned inside, riding off into the sunset with a guy like that looking at me like he’d never seen a woman before. I didn’t even notice the strange clothes he was wearing until it all came to a screeching crash.
He never said anything while we rode. Just smiled. I was too enamored to see how odd that smile really was. I should have been afraid. A big, muscular stranger just rides up out of nowhere and acts like he has a right to take me wherever he wants to go. But maybe I was still kinda sleepy, and it all just kinda continued from whatever I’d been dreaming about.
I wasn’t dressed for horseback riding, but I didn’t even notice that when he whirled the horse around and set off for some magical unknown. The clouds were just a fuzzy backdrop for his lovely head. The sun set in his eyes and was gone.
"We’re home," he said as we entered the courtyard of a huge marble castle.
"Home?" I was just repeating him. The word was lovely because it was his word, but it wasn’t connected to any meaning outside of him.
"This is one of my homes."
He passed me down to what I presumed were his attendants. One of them caught me when my gown snagged on the stirrups. As I said, I wasn’t dressed for horseback riding.
"James," said Prince Charming. "Carry the lady to the Blue Room."
"Excellent, Your Highness. That is the room we have prepared for your…er…lady."
I barely noticed the "er" until Prince Charming shattered the spell.
"I must be off. I shall return within a fortnight. See to it that the lady is well attended and entertained. Her wish shall be your command."
Well entertained! Did the gentleman jest? My wish was that Prince Charming showed a little charm.
"As you wish, Your Highness. Excellent."
"What!" I couldn’t believe this. "I don’t know these people or where I am. Aren’t we supposed to have a big wedding and invite all the kingdom and foreign dignitaries? I mean, there are supposed to be imperial trumpets playing and a red carpet, ermine and roses. You can’t leave now. It’s not in the story."
"And you’re not supposed to be unhappy. I have great matters of state to attend to, and you, my dear, must find a way to be happy. That is the story."
"But…"
"Oh, darling, I’ve already said more than any story calls for me to say. Do be a good girl and keep up appearances. I can’t have the court seeing you unhappy. You just mustn’t."
He started to whirl the horse around, but I shrugged James away and grabbed the horse’s bridle. "No, you don’t, Prince Charming. I want some answers, and you’re going nowhere until I get them."
"Good heavens, woman! What do you think you’re doing? You mustn’t…"
His words were drowned out by the clatter of wheels and horse hooves. We all turned to stare as seven little men piled out of a coach like none I’d ever seen before. I was familiar with the work of all the coachwrights in my kingdom, and none of them could have made the wood fit so smoothly, as if it were all made of one piece like this. Like I said, everything was different. It was as if I’d fallen asleep for a hundred years and awaken in another time—another world. I began to notice the strange clothes everyone was wearing. The shoes went halfway up to their knees and were made of leather that…was that leather? What craft of magic could have rendered it so smooth? The cut of their garments was just odd. I’d never seen cloth so fine. It couldn’t have been spun with human hands. I was beginning to suspect that something dreadful had happened since the time I’d fallen asleep.
One rather grumpy-looking little guy marched right up to the prince. "Are you Prince Robin Albert Thomas Henry Douglas Charming?"
"I dare say, I am. Who are you to trespass upon…?"
"You lying son of a bugworm," Grumpy muttered.
Then all seven of the little men ran forward and dragged the prince off his horse.
"What are you doing to my betrothed?"
"Betrothed?" Grumpy gasped. "Another one. Tear him apart boys!"
They started punching and kicking Prince Charming. James came up to stop them, but one of them sneezed on him so hard that he was blown back among the other attendants, and they all bowled over on the ground. The little men got in a few more good licks before the attendants recovered and decided it would take all of them to put a stop to this. Five full-grown men ought to be able to handle seven little men. They thought.
One attendant tried to grab two little men. But these guys were really angry. Prince Charming had done something that pissed them off, and they weren’t leaving without satisfaction. The two little men wrapped the attendant’s arms around his back, and I heard something go pop that sounded like it came from the guy’s shoulders. Finally, ten cavalry riders came charging across the drawbridge brandishing swords and battle axes. They drove the little men back against the wall of the courtyard.
I glanced at Prince Charming after the little men were driven away from him. They’d beaten him up pretty bad. How could such little guys bring him down so quickly? As muscular as he was, he was still a stranger to real pain. He was used to fighting like a gentleman with rules and predictable movements. But these little guys didn’t say "touché" when they had an opening. A fair fight was, to them, an oxymoron. So, the prince lay on the ground moaning and looking pitiful. He didn’t even try to get up and be a man.
One of the little guys took a step forward. "I’m a doc. I can help."
James snarled, "If you wanted to help, you wouldn’t have come here. His Highness is a prince of the realm. You shall be charged with high treason for this. If we don’t boil you alive first."
"I didn’t want to come. I still don’t want to be here," one of the little men said, looking bashfully at the ground.
"Well, you are here, and you’re in deep trouble." James sneered. He turned to the lead horsemen. "Captain, take these miscreants away."
"No wait!" I said. "I want to know what’s going on."
"You needn’t concern yourself with such matters, my lady. It won’t entertain you in the least."
"I don’t want to be entertained. I want answers. Why are these men angry at my betrothed?"
James rolled his eyes. I was clearly becoming a nuisance for him, but one of the little men stepped forward. I wanted to run to my fallen prince, but something the little man had said made me curious. "What did you mean, another one?"
"Begging your pardon, my lady, but your so-called betrothed is already married to two other damsels, who you’d better believe are in distress. We didn’t even know about you." This guy looked happy when he said this. Though he was still mad as hell.
I trembled. "No, that can’t be…"
"Indeed, it is."
I stared after the seven little men as they climbed into their carriage and rode away.
James had had quite enough. "Captain, didn’t I command you to take these scum away?"
"Command, Sirah? Since when do you command me, houseboy?"
"Houseboy? I have the king’s ear and when he hears how his son was treated, I’ll see to it that your head is taken as well."
"Why? Are you in need of one?"
I’d had enough. "Prince Charming! You don’t even have a name."
A smirk twisted his not-so-charming-anymore lips. "Neither do you."
"That’s right. So, whose story is this?"
"Does it matter?" He picked himself up from the ground. "I’m always that faceless Prince Charming on the white steed. It could be any story."
"Any story? How about this one." I reached up and kissed him.
"What are you… croak. Ribbit. Ribbit." And our charming prince hopped away.
I know you think that’s the wrong story. No, that’s the beginning of another one. This one ends just like that.
The end
I hope you enjoyed Prince Alarming.